Press 1 for Quick and Clean, 2 for Slow and Painful…

There are two types of people in the world, those who have worked in a call centre, and those who have not. Looking at my CV all I see are call centres really. I’ve spent most of my adult life picking up the phone to members of the public and being paid to do so. Most people like me who’ve worked in call centres will agree that once you work in one call centre you are destined to work in many. It becomes some kind of strange comfort zone, something to fall back on. Strangely enough however I’ve yet to meet someone who doesn’t think it to be the most degrading, frustrating, soul-destroying job at times. My current job entails technical support and it is demanding. When you reach your 4th attempt at describing what a thick black cable looks like you’re just about checking each window in the room for cracks – because that window is likely to be the best one to jump out of lest you faceplant on the double glazing of another and bounce off. Lifting the telephone and hearing what must be a 70-year-old tell you that they just bought their first computer and it happens to be a 2000 euro apple Macbook causes another little ounce of your soul to escape your innards and begin a better life outside of the mind that has just become a shade darker. We aren’t dismissive enough to expect everyone to know everything about using and owning a computer but at the same time I wouldn’t send my Granny to a driving lesson in a left-hand-drive Ferrari.

Nothing, however, is worse that getting a call from that person that *thinks* they know it all. They assume that just because they can figure out how to series link the X Factor and set the clock on their iPhone they are suddenly network engineers. Cue 30 minutes of them clicking everything they can possibly click in a furious effort to prove themselves as a competent PC troubleshooter. Instead of just listening to my relatively simple instructions, that I’ve previously rehearsed 500 times earlier that morning, they blaze on through ignoring my every word until it gets to the stage when I have to actually ask them why they called if they seem to have it all figured out. The silent moment when they realise you’re insulting them in as polite a manner as possible is the most satisfying moment of my day. To be asked “are you calling me stupid?” only to reply with “actually sir, I’m trying to avoid it” is truly a bright moment in an otherwise dull day.

It’s being in situations like which result in me being an extremely ‘good’ caller whenever I find myself in a role reversal. When I call a company for help/information I’m polite, courteous and most importantly I listen. At the very least I have the account/reference/ID number at the ready. This concept of preparedness is something that in my experience is lost on the general public. My call centre has a pre-recorded message asking customers to have their account number ready and yet many, most even, claim to have never received one. They basically admit to having called someone up, handed over their bank and credit card details, full name and address and telephone number and not asked or insisted that they be given some kind of reference number. And when provided with the reference number they discard it like it means nothing. People fail to grasp that when you call a company which likely has thousands of customers you are not Mary Murphy, you are not Patrick O’Shea,  you are a serial number. You are a sequence of numbers and letters from 3 to 20 characters long. It is what makes you unique and what identifies you to a company. If you are going to complain about call centres and the amount of time it takes to get through then the least you can do is be ready with the information we require when you ‘finally’ get to speak to ‘someone who isn’t a robot’. And on that note, a voice recording is not a ‘robot’, and neither am I. You fucking cretin. Ahem.

So if you are reading this let me give you some insight into what you can do to make the whole experience a little better.

Dial the correct number – Companies have lots of phone numbers. My company has a number for Sales, a number for Customer Care, a number for Installations and a number for Tech Support. I spend a vast majority of my day acting like a receptionist transferring calls around because Joe that wanted to check if we received his cheque pressed 3 for Tech Support. By failing to take stock to what the recorded voice on the phone was saying you are risking queuing twice. If time is of the essence take the 30 seconds to ensure you have the right number and are selecting the right queue because 20 minutes later when you get through to me in Tech Support and you want to know why we took 100 euro out of your bank account this month I’m only going to apologetically tell you that you have to hold for Customer Care as I secretly do a happy dance on the other end of the phone celebrating my ‘freebie’.

Expect delays during rush hour – if you work 9-5 and you find yourself with the few minutes you thought would be enough at lunch time or when you got home that evening think of the amount of other civilians that are in the exact same mindset as you. Think of good times to visit a bank or a credit union – the same principles apply for call centres. First thing in the morning, lunch times and last thing in the afternoon/evening at easily THE worst times to try to do business. This goes for most businesses. My barber opens at 9. By 9:10 there are 7 people waiting for a haircut. I go at 10. I rarely have to wait – in fact my barber is usually waiting for me. Bear this in mind when you need to call a call centre. If it is impossible for you to call outside of the busy times then expect to wait. Don’t be angry, don’t be impatient. It is a queue. You joined it later than the people in front of you. C’est la vie.

Be ready – I touched on this above, but if you really want to help or need something sorted and sorted quickly then have your information ready. If it’s tech support or other actual product-related service you need to have access to it. Calling me from work to tell me your broadband at home isn’t working will only waste your time. Be at home, have your computer and everything switched on and ready to go. If the house is full of kids/family/friends then call another time. The 10 mins it might take to fix something can double or treble if you are not ready to discuss the matter or if you are only catching every second word because your 5 kids in the background are playing a game of ‘make the dog bark’. Remember that modern telephones and mobiles can pick up most if not all of the background noise and it is amplified the opposite end in my headset – your little Johnnie having a freak attack watching spongebob at high volume will drown you right out.

Listen – You called me remember? You need my help/information. If you have a problem, listen to what the person on the phone has to say. No matter what you think you believe, they know more about it than you. This might be the first time you’ve seen this problem. For the person on the other end they’ve probably seen it 10 times that morning and it’s not even lunchtime. Often I get people who assume they know what I’m about to say. Before you butt in and try to answer the question before it’s asked try to listen.

Check the simple things, twice – Sometimes we have to go through the easy stuff first. We can’t assume anything. If we ask you the simple things it serves only to ensure everyone is on the same page. Clichés like checking if it’s plugged in, switched on or connected exist because such oversights have been around since electricity was discovered. Don’t be impatient and presumptive, be cooperative and this will all be over soon. Also, calling someone on your phone to tell them your phone isn’t working reserves you a special place in hell.

Don’t get angry/abusive – This is quite possibly the very worst thing you can ever do to someone in a call centre. Imagine someone who has ever sat shouting and screaming abuse at you. Imagine how they are spitting pure rage and anger directly at you and only you. Now imagine you’ve never met them before and imagine that person needs your help. If call centre agents have one common agenda it’s that all abusive customers must die. Anyone who feels a good idea is to raise their voice and insult someone to get them to help them is severely delusional. I promise you. If you fuck me off and call me a cunt over the phone I will not want to help you. In fact I won’t even want to talk to you. I will not suddenly jump up and bow to your will – in most cases I would probably do everything within my power to ensure that your frustration and anger is prolonged. If you ever want to know why you didn’t get a callback from that person whose mother you insulted over the phone it’s because of this. I wouldn’t rush back to help an abusive scumbag on the street, I’m not going to rush back to help you. It’s akin to abusing a bouncer when they refuse entry to a nightclub – they weren’t going to let you in then, and you’re only proving it was a wise decision now.

There are many other call centre do’s and don’ts but the above few give you an idea of what it’s like to be speaking to the 40th person that day after a long shift only for them to not know their own address while they send one of the 6 kids to start booting up their PC in the middle of dinner at 5 to 6 on a Friday evening. It makes me thankful that video calling hasn’t taken off for call centres because I’m not sure anyone would want to see a grown man cry.